The next time your eyes go moist on account of the emotions stirred by Bjorka Dud‘s tear-jerking debates, or your Macaulayman’s heart swoons over Prawn Ray‘s burrasahib-with-a-native-tinged diction on New Delhi Televangelism (NDTV), you may want to think again. A Maodas Foundation study has found evidence linking the prevalence of Saffronophobia to consumption of content produced by United News Traders India Ltd (UNTIL).
“In a nutshell, Saffronophobia consists of acute fear and anxiety triggered by one or more factors comprising native cultural symbols, or the sight of unreached natives following the path of the devil, for example”, according to the reputed blond, blue-eyed German-Norwegian psychiatrist, Dr. Madhaus Macaulaysson, 54, who led the study across 666 subjects.
According to the Macaulaysson study, people across all professions are at heightened increased risk if they regularly consume UNTIL-produced content.
- Jesubhai Prabhuputra, 38, from Gujarat, a convert for Christ, has been an avid church goer since undergoing a miracle as a child by recovering from a nasty cold and cough. After lightning recently struck the church he attends , Prabhuputra started having nightmares of Hindu gods striking thunder and inciting Hindu natives to attack him with a rain of Swastikas and tridents. “I have flashbacks to my past as an unreached native. The overtly majoritarian-themed Ramayana and Mahabharata serials from the 1980s showed false tribal gods striking down enemies with lightning while laughing and guffawing vicariously. As a child, I was under the Devil’s influence and used to watch these demonic shows with my family until I saw the Light of God,” admits Prabhuputra.
- Caesar Roberto, a retired policeman, echoed similar symptoms of acute anxiety on seeing the Om symbol in front of a Hindu temple thronged by exotic packs of natives chanting and clanging cymbals. Says Roberto: “I chased criminals during my career in the police, but now I feel intimidated, as if I am on a hit-list.”
- Retired navel-gazer Rear Admiral Goodman K Isaac claims he often wakes up from nightmares of being at sea with Hindutva pirates throwing Swastikas on rope-ends to anchor onto his ship. “When gazing at my navel, there is a constant sinking feeling that percolates through. Lying in bed, I am often fidgeting from side-to-side and constantly watching my starboard, port and stern” says the gazetted navel officer (sic) with a tinge of irony.
Both Isaac and Roberto blame India’s majoritarian culture for fostering this climate of fear. Says Isaac: “In my locality, several new churches have come up, all dedicated to the One and Only God and His Son. However, an old temple persists in the midst of our Holy churches. Is it fair to intimidate our brand new churches with an ancient temple where people pray to not one, not two, but up to 330 million fearsome, armed tribal deities that even include uppity female goddesses and wild animals like monkeys, elephants and lions?”
In response to the Macaulaysson study, the Maodas Foundation’s Grievance Appeasement Group (GAG) is in the process of setting up a fund to provide psychiatric treatment and counselling support for Saffronophobes.
Grievance Appeasement Group demands moratorium on airing documentaries on Evolution
GAG is campaigning for a block on all TV and online content referring to Prehistoric science, to prevent the occurrence of symptoms among several groups, such as those who propagate Intelligent Design and others such as the All India High-Fidelity Shariah Compliance Board (AIHFSCB) who oppose Evolution. Meanwhile, Maodas Foundation Fellow Prof. DN Jhatka is leading a politburo audit on Darwin’s theory of Evolution for suspected violations of Dialectical Materialism.
“Why is my community being victimized? I was born of sin by Our Father’s Intelligent Design. That is my personal belief,” says Rear Admiral Goodman K Isaac, further adding “I saw the documentaries showing apes as our ancestors, with ferocious gigantic creatures living millions of years ago. As with the number of gods and goddesses in temples, I find the concept of ‘millions and billions of years ago’ extremely terrifying, as do some other communities. What is the need to unnecessarily provoke us by propagating such false and deluded myths?”